for I know the plans I have for you....

Way back in February, I wrote about a family member that I had a disturbing conversation with. I wanted to share with you what's happened since to show others and also remind myself that there is always hope even in the midst of dire circumstances. click here to reference old post Memories of that phone call still hurts sometimes. Part of it was that I really thought that this person might be the one person that might actually believe my story and help me. Instead, I was called a liar for talking about the terrible things that were done to me, and disturbingly this is why so many women and victims don't ever say anything. The sting of that accusation on top of the devastation I was already going through was almost unbearable.  I felt rather alone that day and pretty hopeless.

But so much has taken place since that phone call a year and a half ago. Despite the continued trials (both literal and figurative), of this journey I've been on, I believe that I have been shown day after day that God loves me. He has proven to me, reassuringly that He is with me, and that He has and will never forsake me. All I needed to do was trust. Sounds easy enough right? Well, it wasn't. Most especially when I was supposed to because I was frightened, felt trapped or had no idea how things could possibly work out for good. But my experience has shown me that the more I've trusted and gone straight to prayer, the more peace God's given me over the fear, and somehow there has been some good that's come out of the bad.

I know now that even way back when, God had a plan and was working. That person that I had to hang up the phone sobbing with, is now a huge advocate. He reached out to me recently, apologizing wholeheartedly for not believing me before, and has since encouraged me, supported me and stood up for me to the very people that have and are continuing to hurt me the most; his own brother and parents. And that is no small thing, especially in that family. I trust that only God could have done this; putting my brother-in-law in a position to do what no other person could at this very moment in time for me. It's been a prayer answered not only for me, but I think ultimately, for all who's involved. God is slowly revealing the truth and I honestly believe that the truth will indeed set us all free.

At this very moment in time, some things are starting to come to light that reveal potential harm to my daughter's safety and well-being with her father. We are getting the help we need and have some good people doing so. But most of all, I am comforted to know that I have the Lord on my side. Not just for myself, but specifically for my daughter I cling to the Scripture that came to me suddenly last night... "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11-

I hope and pray that whatever suffering, hurt, fear or struggles you are dealing with in life, that you may cling to that promise as well.

Hannah Bee

The truth about lies

I have had my fair share of lies lately. Lies to unsettle me, to manipulate, to scare and hurt me. Lies to cover up truth and lies to cover up more lies. After so many recent battles dealing with these lies (and one particularly big liar), I've learned some things about them and what they can do to a person. I just wanted to share a little bit about the subject in hopes that we all, including myself can think a bit harder about telling a lie, even a casual one in the future.

So first, what is a lie? And what is truth?

As defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a lie is: an assertion of something known or believed by the speaker to be untrue with intent to deceive; something that misleads or deceives.

Truth on the other hand is: sincerity in action, character, and utterance; the state of being the case; the body of real things, events, and facts; actuality. 

There are so many stories I can tell about how lies have hurt me, hurt others I know, and even ultimately hurt the person telling those lies, but I honestly am just too tired and exhausted to get into all that. Instead I decided to share what many other intelligent and wise people throughout history have already succinctly  told us. 

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.  ~Mark Twain

Who lies for you will lie against you.  ~Bosnian Proverb

A half truth is a whole lie.  ~Yiddish Proverb

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind.  ~Austin O'Malley

The most dangerous untruths are truths moderately distorted.  ~Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

With lies you may get ahead in the world - but you can never go back.  ~Russian proverb

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance.  ~Edgar J. Mohn

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.  ~Tad Williams

Three things cannot long be hidden the sun, the moon, and the truth. ~Confucious

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom.  ~Thomas Jefferson

And if those things don't speak to you, perhaps these Proverbs from the Bible will:

Proverbs 3:3-4 3 Let not mercy and truth forsake you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart, 4 and so find favor and high esteem In the sight of God and man. Proverbs 6:16-19 16 These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: 17 A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, 18 A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, 19 A false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren. Proverbs 12:17, 19-20, 22 17 He who speaks truth declares righteousness, but a false witness, deceit. 19 The truthful lip shall be established forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment. 20 Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but counselors of peace have joy. 22 Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who deal truthfully are His delight. Proverbs 13:5 5 A righteous man hates lying, but a wicked man is loathsome and comes to shame.

Proverbs 19:1, 5, 9 1 Better is the poor who walks in his integrity than one who is perverse in his lips, and is a fool. 5 A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who speaks lies will not escape. 9 A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who speaks lies shall perish. Proverbs 19:22 22 What is desired in a man is kindness, and a poor man is better than a liar. Proverbs 21:6 6 Getting treasures by a lying tongue Is the fleeting fantasy of those who seek death. Proverbs 28:13 13 He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.

Let us remember that lying is a choice and our actions have consequences.

Live. Love. Be free. And be true to yourself and to those around you.

Hannah Bee

Letter to my daughter-Part 2, and happy father's day too...

Greetings readers. Sorry for being silent for over a month now. I've been thinking a lot about things I want to share but for some reason been having trouble putting things into print the past month. So anyhow, since my last post was about Mother's Day, it's only fair that this next one includes Father's Day. I have to admit that in recent years, Father's Day gives me mixed feelings due to my very complicated feelings around my daughter's father. But there are good father figures to focus on in my life too, most specifically my own father, and then of course there's our Father who art in Heaven. And since I have also been wanting to finish my First annual letter to my daughter, gonna combine the two again. Here goes.

To my little one, Part two: A father's tale.
First, I want to apologize for every hardship you have had to endure and for not being able to protect you from it all...As much as I'd like to think I have things under control, I have realized as you will one day that life does not always turn out the way you expect or want it to. I wish I could go back and change some things if I could, but at the same time, I have always believed that the unexpected hardships we go through make us stronger and perhaps give us an opportunity to become better, and also help others through our experiences. You are still too young to understand many things, though you seem to get so much more than I think you should. There are so many things I wish I could tell you and explain to you but can't just yet...one day when you are grown, you can ask me, and hopefully I can give you the answers you seek. Until then, I hope what I have offered to you has been sufficient enough. By the time you get to reading this though, I hope all I am trying to say will mean something and start to make sense.

In a couple of days it will be Father's Day. I wanted to take this opportunity to share with you a little about my father's story. In it, along with my own story which you will one day also know, you will learn that you come from a family who has endured much, struggled much to get to where they are, and in the midst of it all had much faith, and persevered to give their children a better life.

You may already have a good sense of this, but just to be clear, my dad, your grandfather is a great man. He grew up in the 1940's and 50's (yes, a long time ago) in a very oppressive time and place, under the rule of a Communist country. Where he lived, they had no tolerance for free thinkers, and least of all for anyone who believed in God or wanted to share their faith. My grandfather was a minister, and so my dad, his parents and siblings were persecuted for their beliefs and from the time he was a child, he and his family were in and out of camps for people who were considered dissidents and enemies of the state. Sometimes they were separated from each other and didn't know when they would be able to see each other again. My dad suffered greatly during these times, and even when "free" from the camps, lived in deep poverty, scrounging for food, and often didn't even have shoes to wear. He has a Masters degree now, but growing up as the eldest son, he gave up his education quite early in his teens so he could find work to help feed his family. Through it all, his faith gave him hope, strength and courage, keeping him alive. My dad eventually escaped, literally. He left the country of his birth and with the help of those in the church, he started a new life, whereby he met my mother, and then came here to the US to really have a chance to live free. Because of his sacrifices, and his willingness to always stand up for what he believed in spite of hardship, both you and I are also able to be free.

So these are the things I wish and hope for you...
I hope that you will one day find a true partner in life that you can love and respect, who loves and respects you back, cares for you, and is able to inspire you like my dad has done for his family. I want you to always know how valuable you are. I want you to remember how much you are worth. Not because of your looks, your talents or abilities or what you have to offer to others, but because God gave you worth even back when you were growing inside me. Know that I love you more than anything else in this world and will always try my best to teach you and help you to live the best life you can live. Don't ever settle for just anything. Don't ever let anyone make you compromise your values, your beliefs or give up the best parts of yourselves for them. Love others and be good to others, but don't forget to take care of yourself. I know you will be wonderful at whatever you put your mind to. Even at two, you are amazingly intelligent, beautiful inside and out, oh so articulate and full of joy. Don't forget...don't forget...don't forget!

My prayer for you, today and everyday is this. That you would know the love of the Lord. For people may fail you, but He will not. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight. This is my prayer for myself too. I love you!

Mama Bee

Happy Mother's Day

This Sunday we celebrate and thank our mothers for all the hard work, sacrifice and patience they had in raising us. For those of us who are lucky enough to be parents too, we really begin to understand the meaning of a mother's love, especially when our kids are in their "terrible two's". So Happy Mother's Day everyone, especially those who are blessed enough to be mothers. I am dedicating this blog entry to you all as well as my little darling, as she is the one who made me a proud mama.

I also decided this is a good opportunity to start an annual tradition. A letter a year that I will save and put together some day to give to my daughter. I hope to document for her my thoughts, feelings, reflections of the year, how she's grown, what's she's learned, what I've learned through her, being her mother. Sometimes I get scared about what she will remember of these earlier years, what will stick and what she will internalize.  Perhaps these letters will help her to learn a little more of who she is and who her mother was and is and all I did for us to make sure she got the best shot she could once she is grown. Since she's already gonna be 3 this year *yikes* I have a little catching up to do, so I think I'm going to make this first letter a two parter.

Part one: Your birth story.
You, my sweet baby girl were born to me on a warm autumn afternoon. It was a Sunday, and a very good day to be born.  You were about a week early, but I had a feeling you were on the way, and I was ready. The first three and a half months, I was very sick as my body got used to you and turned into a little factory to help you grow. You wouldn't let me eat my favorite foods like steak or any other meats for that matter. Just like you are now, while you were in my belly, you had me craving mostly fruit and carbs! Then as the months went on, you wiggled and kicked, already making yourself known to me as the strong little shaker and mover that you are now.

You perservered through some tough times while I struggled with depression, and difficulties with your dad. There were some things I didn't have control over, like your dad's smoking, but for the things I had, I did everything I could in my power to take the best care of you. I went to regular check ups, read up on all the things I was supposed to do, what to eat, what not to eat, took prenatal vitamins, prenatal yoga classes, birthing classes, and played you classical music and lullabies. I even decided I would give birth the natural way and chose wonderful midwives and a doula to help during the process. Most of all, I prayed hard every day that God would protect you and take care of you and keep you healthy and strong despite the stresses I was under. The Lord heard my prayers as you were born perfect and wonderful, the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

You were very kind to me in labor, as you woke me up early in the morning with the first labor pains and then came out just six hours later. I did it all as we had planned; no drugs, no epidural. It was hard, but not in a bad way. I knew I was in love as soon as I saw your little face, those cute little fingers and oh, those toes! You had made me a mother, and life would never be the same again. Newborns aren't really the most attractive things, all squished and wrinkled after their journey through the birth canal, but whether it was all the hormones or just part a mother's love, I truly believe you were an exception. You had a full head of jet black, fine baby hair, and my goodness the longest curled lashes that a newborn could ever have! Very sparse and thin still, but I could already picture the jealous oohs and aahs of every woman I knew. It turns out that your curls, both your lashes and eventually on your little head would be the envy of everyone.

After you were born, all your family and those that loved us came to visit and agreed that I was the luckiest Mother ever with the most beautiful baby. And they weren't just saying so because they had to. You continue to light up my life and inspire me every day to be a better person. When I look back at all the pictures and videos from a couple years ago, I am still amazed at how much you've grown, how smart you are, how funny, and how many times you are able to ask me "why?" in a minutes time!

I am also so thankful at God's continued grace in our lives, how he's protected us, and given me strength to take care of you through all the hardships of this past year especially. We have been through so much in your short life, and there will be more struggles to come. Just know that no matter what, I will always be here for you whether you think you need me or not. I promise to listen to you and to accept you and love you unconditionally. I will try to always give you good counsel and to be a good example to you. I will laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry, and when words are not enough, I will hold you in my arms to comfort you. I love you sooo much, with all my heart and all my being.

Your mother,
Hannah Bee

my hero

So, I'm turning 33 this year. Yay... Well, it's not particularly a milestone year by any means. Nothing really exciting comes from turning 33. Not expecting any major firsts or a sense that life is now changed like the way turning 18, or 21, 25 or even 30 feels. But as I think about it a little more, something or rather someone does come to mind.

When I was a senior in high school, I took Honors English with Mrs. Rosenberg. She was a very eccentric and interesting old bird. Us kids loved to get under her skin by crumpling paper and making other noises like that. There was actually a rule against paper crumpling in her class. And what can I say, rules like that were meant to be broken. I think it all started when on the first day of class she told us the traumatic story of how long ago, on a plane, an engine went out, and the sound of crumpling paper and the like reminds her of that noise. And honors students or not, we were teenagers, and ones smart enough to know the offense was more of an irritation than one that triggered her PTSD.

Anyhoo, Mrs. Rosenberg gave us an assignment one day to write a paper about "Our Hero." I wrote my paper on Jesus Christ. I didn't do it to make any kind of statement, or as a proclamation of my faith per se. Honestly, I couldn't think of one other person besides my dad I guess that I admired so much. The life of Jesus Christ truly inspired me. When you think about a real hero, they should evoke a sense of awe, and strength and power and have qualities and characteristics that you would like to emulate and be imbued with. Though I understand my choice may have been a little controversial, it was quite shocking to me when my teacher rejected my paper entirely, telling me that I was not allowed to choose Jesus Christ as my hero because he wasn't real. Did I mention that Mrs. Rosenberg was Jewish? Trying not to be judgemental here, but whatever her personal beliefs may be, I didn't think she had any right to dictate who I chose as my hero, especially since her reasoning was plain daft. Jesus Christ happens to be a real historical person and whether or not one believes he is the Son of God, he did in fact live, breath and walk on this earth. Not to mention do some amazing things to help, inspire and literally save others.

Something told me that Mrs. Rosenberg would have been less perturbed about me writing that my hero was let's say Superman, than Jesus Christ. So when she told me to rewrite my paper, I just flat out refused. I really wish I could remember what I said to her specifically. But I do know I stood my ground. I honestly didn't care if she wanted to give me an "F" or not. I was NOT the kind of gal who gave in very easily especially if I thought I was in the right. And I definitely did, think I was right. Stubborn, I think it's called.

For some odd reason I can't remember, though I wish I could, the exact outcome of this situation. Somehow at the time, it wasn't so profound that it stuck with me. When I look back, I do feel proud of myself for taking that stand. What I remember is that despite our differences on the matter, however I handled it left an impression on Mrs. Rosenberg. And apparently it was a good one. One other thing I forgot to mention about Mrs. Rosenberg was that I had her as a teacher for 2 years. For those 2 years she could never quite get my name right.  I don't have a weird or difficult name to pronounce. Nothing foreign, or ethnic sounding or even long. Anyway, she ended up just calling me honey or sweetie or something else equally saccharine.

So around the time we were applying to colleges, we needed some letters of reference from teachers and such. I have no idea why I would have thought to ask Mrs. Rosenberg to write me one, but I did. And guess what she decided to write about? Yes. The Jesus Christ paper. Actually, she may not have mentioned it specifically but she did speak of my character, and how she admired my convictions, my very strong sense of self, determination, and willingness to take a stand on something I felt was important. I was pleasantly surprised and thankful for her comments and observations.

Okay, so going back to turning 33 this year...this is the age that my hero did the most amazing, unthinkable thing a person could possibly do. He gave up his life voluntarily in order to save others. Again, whether one chooses to believe he is the Messiah or God, the Son, his acts in life are remarkable and definitely heroic, better than any superhero out there.  So as I am turning 33, I think about how I can live my life better this coming year, in such a way to be as cliche as it sounds, to be more like Christ.

Hope that you all out there find inspiration today to do better, be better and maybe even try something heroic.
Love.  
Think. 
Feel.  
Be free.

Hannah Bee

What would you have done and why?

Last night, I decided to go into Westwood Village. I had just dropped off my daughter to her visit with her dad, and wanted some much needed relax time to myself. I remembered a place I liked to go to with friends way back when; Diddy Riese. It's been there forever. They are known for their ice cream sandwiches made from your choice in flavor of Dreyer's ice cream smashed in between any 2 of their delicious fresh made cookies. And for $1.50 it didn't break my budget! Anyway, as I was walking to the crosswalk and thinking about what flavor combo of cookies I was going to get, a young woman stopped me on the street and told me she just had a baby and needed money to buy diapers. Could I help?

I have to be honest. I got really uncomfortable and wished she had just left me alone. I often feel uncomfortable when strangers ask me for money. I think there are different reasons why depending on the circumstance. Today it was simply because I felt like I was put in a situation in which I had to decide whether the few dollars I had saved for me to relax with was better used on me, or to help someone else. It kinda annoyed me that I was being made to choose. What I ended up doing was say "sorry, I dont have anything," which of course was not necessarily true. It's true I didnt really have much to give as I am barely struggling to take care of myself and my own little one, but if I wanted to, I could've given her the few dollars I had in my purse. But would that have helped at all? That couple dollars couldn't buy diapers. What if she wasn't really wanting diapers afterall. She didn't actually have the baby with her. She could've been lying. Why is it that my first instincts were to judge and doubt her? Was I just being selfish?

The woman looked at me with disappointment in her face and turned to walk away. 30 seconds later, I realized I had made a mistake. Maybe this woman really just needed diapers. I can relate to what it feels like to be without and desperately just wanting to care for my child. What if everyone else she tried said no as quickly as I did. Maybe I was supposed to help her. I might not have had enough cash on me, but I could've walked her to the nearby CVS and paid for a small bag of diapers with my debit card. I remember years ago when I got my first real job after college, there was a homeless man that worked the exit of the freeway I got off on everyday after work. I didn't have a lot of money to give then either, but I used to pack bags of food for him whenever I got a chance. He was so glad to receive something, anything.

I looked back to see if the woman was still there.  I could see her far off down the street, about to turn the corner. I thought about running down to catch her, but I found that I didn't have the guts to do it. I stood there as she turned out of sight and felt ashamed that I was about to go buy an ice cream sandwich. I thought about where I would be, where my daughter would be if I never received help from all sorts of people this past year.

I felt horrible but just tried to forget about it and relax as I had planned to do. Now over a day later, I am still thinking about it and can't help but think there must be a lesson in all of this. A few weeks ago, while driving through Hollywood, I drove past 2 young people holding a sign, asking for bus money. I can't remember where the sign said they were headed, but just as I thought, hey I have some change I can spare, my light turned green.  I drove on because it was inconvenient to have to turn around and go back to give them my change. No big deal right? But what if it was.

I wish I could go back and make some different decisions than I did, but I can't. What I can do is pray for that woman and her baby, and that those kids made it safely to where they wanted to go. I can also pray that I get another chance at helping someone else in the future. I hope I can recognize the opportunity when I get it and be courageous and selfless enough to make a good choice. I have been trying to instill in my child the value of helping others, of being loving, caring and kind to people. But we can't just believe in the value of it, or let it stop with our words. It has to show up in our deeds. It's so easy to talk about caring for and helping others and feeling sympathy for others' pain and suffering. It's a lot more difficult to take action steps to do something about it. I think what happened yesterday really convicted me in that. I'm not sure exactly yet what and how and who I can and should help, and when the opportunity will come my way again, but I am sure going to try a lot harder to pay attention to the people and things that do. I hope you all will too.

I found a wonderful speech Mother Teresa gave on this very topic. Check it out here.
Hannah Bee

ash wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday, the day that many Christians around the world begin Lent and devote the next 40 days before Easter to fasting, prayer, and repentance. I was reminded today the meaning of the ashes. Ashes to ashes; from dust we came and to dust we will return. Do not fear. Do not worry. For all things will pass including this life and the sufferings of this life. I was thankful for the reminder to look upward and onward, and was overcome by a sense of peace that I've been longing for this week.

I pray that all of you have peace tonight too. Remember that God is good, God is with you, and He hears your prayers.

Hannah Bee

What, he didn't even punch you?

"Did he punch you in the face with a closed fist? Oh, come on! You're not an abused person. Stop lying to us and to yourself." Somebody from his family actually said that to me the day after a judge ruled in my favor issuing a restraining order against my husband and confirmed that in the eyes of the law, he had in fact committed domestic violence against me, both physical and emotional. What's sad is that the person who said this to me is not alone in his thinking on the subject and many people out there don't think that abuse is abuse unless the victim has been physically beaten with closed fists and in need of hospitalization. But hasn't it gone a bit too far by then? It's pretty safe to say couples usually don't get to that place overnight, and most abused people need help and should have a way out long before it ever gets to that point. Sadly many never do and some even suffer to the point of death because people around them, and they themselves do not recognize the signs of domestic violence until it's too late.

Let's think about this now. How much does a person have to show physical suffering or injury in order for others to believe she is being systematically broken down by her own husband? There's usually some very good reasons that outward signs are missing or appear missing. Shame, guilt, and fear are amongst these, preventing victims from reaching out, sharing about their abuse, and have them even lying to cover up and protect their abusers. That's what I did. Denial is also a large factor for not getting it even for the victim. It's easy to believe what you want to believe about a person, especially a person whom you love. So though it is incredibly painful to have his family not believe me, I don't entirely blame them. My hope though is to be able to educate others and help more people to see what emotional abuse is, that it is damaging, and often much more so than just physical abuse because of its deeper and longer lasting effects.

I'm a very visual learner and have been trying to think about a way to illustrate my experience of emotional and psychological abuse that can help people with no experience understand it. It's a very difficult thing and unless you've lived it, I don't know that you can truly grasp how horrible it was and is. You may have heard the term chinese water torture before. More people have probably heard about the much debated "waterboarding" in the news in recent years, another form of water torture where the person is made to feel like they are drowning. Well the practice of chinese water torture (which there is no evidence it was actually practiced by the Chinese) is basically where a person is restrained and forced to have water dripping on their forehead over a long period of time. It may not sound like much to some, I mean, they certainly are not being beaten or punched, and it doesn't even leave any marks right? But this practice is said to have driven it's prisoners literally insane. What really made it worse apparently was when the timing of the water dropping was varied so the victim didn't know when the next drop would come. That was what life was like in my marriage and relationship with my ex, and sometimes still is.

What's fascinating to me is that even after I left, it took me some time to sort through and see how far back those little drips started falling and how easy it was to mistaken them for harmless nothings, and then finally recognizing it for what it was. Near the end I did feel insane and frantic over the hollow that seemed to be forming on my head reaching down through my heart, and I was in constant fearful anticipation of when the next piercing drop would fall.

It could be as simple as the tone of voice, saying something really awful in a nice, calm way, ideas planted here and there meant to unsettle me, little lies and twists of the truth that made me doubt myself and my perceptions. Soon I was wondering which way was up because I was made to believe that I shouldn't trust my own instincts or senses even, and that perhaps I was crazy afterall. I am thankful that I had enough moments of clarity and help from others to see that I was in fact not crazy at all. Only when removed from his direct influence could I begin to regain my sanity and sense of real self again.

Close to a year later, I am still healing from the psychological wounds long after the bruises have gone, and it's still a struggle not to let those old lies take over. I wish I could go to that person that told me I wasn't abused and do like a mind meld or something to make them feel what it was like, or just to shake him and yell at him over and over "OPEN YOUR EYES," but I can't. I guess I am just glad that I was able to open my own eyes, and hopefully now a few of yours. Nobody deserves abuse of any kind, whether it leaves a visual mark or not. If you think you're being abused, please seek help. And if someone reaches out to you, the least you can do is believe them.

Hannah Bee

all good things

Have you ever had something that you spent so much time trying to get someone to see or care about and they pretty much ignored you and it? But then as soon as you take that thing away or tell them they can't have it anymore, the same person starts crying and fighting for it..."MINE, MINE, MINE!" This scenario is pretty commonplace when you're dealing with a toddler like I do everyday, especially during mealtimes. What's really terrible is when the thing is the toddler, and the person fighting for it (quite dirtily, I might add) is a grown man.

This situation of mine often leaves me with a negative frame of mind, and has the power if I let it, to cast a shadow over everything. I've decided that the first thing to do in order for it not to do that, is to outright refuse to live that way. The next thing is figuring out how to do that, and constantly check myself so not to let my mind be led down those crazy rabbit trails. So what can I focus on and think about instead? Well one great passage in the Bible says, "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." What a novel idea, right? It's like the deeper version of Julie Andrews singing "My Favorite Things."

So, my daughter happens to be my most favorite true and lovely, excellent thing, and the reason why I left my abusive relationship in the first place. It's possible I might have just stayed and taken more if it was just me. Maybe not, but I definitely left for her. For my daughter's sake, I left. She is the greatest blessing that came out of such a mess. For her I'd endure any other hardship I needed to if it gave her a better life and a better chance. There have been days when I wondered if I made the right decision. But everyday I grow stronger and healthier again, and looking back I can't ever imagine willingly being in that place again, and am so glad that she won't have to grow up being exposed to what she was those first few months of her life.

It's interesting to think about some of the things I actually left behind and then some of the things that I am still working on shedding. However I look at it now, that place I left had once been my home. My husband was my family. His family had become my family. And I did love all of them. It was also what I had grown to know, what was familiar. We had a routine and I had found ways to get by and survive and some days it wasn't even so bad. Of the things I lost when I left,  I think mostly, I lost the dream and hope of things not as they were but as I wished them to be. It's weird because the disappointing loss of that possibility has been much more profound than the actual loss. Not because the actual loss was small, but that denial bubble that I once surrounded myself in is now popped, and what I see before me is not an easy road. Sometimes I miss stupid things like the big yard, or having that beautiful engagement ring on my finger, and yes, my clothes. And I wonder how and when I will ever be able to replace it all (not just the stuff, but the idea part of "it all"). But then I am reminded that I was able to escape with the one most cherished thing I have, my child. I pray everyday that I don't lose her in all this mess. And I don't mean the physical part of her, but the more important parts of all she is and all the potential that is in her.

Sometimes I still replay in my head over and over again some of the bad fights, conversations, etc. and I think about what I could've done or said, though I know it's useless and just ends up reminding me of the hurt. I'm sure one day, all of it will fade and hopefully some new beautiful growth can cover over or replace it. Until then I just have to keep my eye on the those good and wonderful things that keep me going. Thank you all who are reading this and all the people that will one day read this for inspiring me to do so.

Be free and peace be with you.
Hannah Bee

Happily ever after and a bottle of wine

No, I am not drunk. But if I were, would you blame me? Been thinking about love a lot these days. Yes, the romantic kind. And it is February, and in less than a couple of weeks it's Valentine's Day. I also happened to attend a bridal shower today which was actually good. I was reminded of how amazing love can be when the right people come together. But it also made me wonder. Although I am thankful to have a few great examples of healthy and loving couples in my life right now, I wonder if I will ever have what some of my friends do. I remember once when I was a young teenager, someone asked me what I wanted most when I was all grown up. I said I wanted to have a happy marriage and family. One of my friends immediately told me that I was dreaming and that there's no such thing. I'm sure my response was like, "WHATEVER!"

I knew what she meant though. I wasn't exactly thinking that life would be all castles and ballgowns like in the fairy tales where the words "happily ever after" usually came before even the honeymoon began. I knew relationships took work, and knew plenty of people with divorced parents, but I wasn't about to give up on my dream. I knew it could happen. My parents were still married, and actually still are, and not just for the kids type a thing. They love each other and are good together and I think they are happy. So I figured I had a decent model to go by, so why shouldn't I have the same chance?

So I worked hard at it. When I liked a guy, I tried as best I could to be a good girlfriend, the type a guy might like to marry one day. Maybe I even tried too hard. In high school, the guys I liked or even loved never seemed to love me back, or at least not enough to want to stick around. And then one actually said I was the type of girl he would want to marry, but of course he wasn't anywhere near ready to do that and moved on to someone else that was just fun for the time being I guess. So life went on and I gave up on boys for awhile.

In college and after, more failed relationships. I just couldn't pick a good one, or was it that the wrong guys were picking me and I somehow was terrible at figuring that out until it was too late? And of course the one I actually ended up marrying being the worst of the bunch. What happened? One thing that I realize now that contributed to these unhealthy and failed relationships is that I often got so lost in them, like I needed to give up something of myself for the other. I found myself cutting a part of me off so I could make room for someone else to "complete me," instead of seeing myself as already whole first and finding another whole person to join and create something wonderful with. I'm picturing two broken pieces of something and no matter how hard you try, you're not gonna fit them together to make a perfect whole, at least not without a big crack in the center. But for some reason many of us, myself included just keep desperately trying, all the while more bits of ourselves crumble off. I know this isn't the best analogy, but I think you get my meaning.

So can happily ever after exist? Yeah, I think it can be possible. But not if we keep believing that magically another person can fill our voids, be the answer to our many problems, or make us happy if we aren't already. I still hope and pray one day I will find a true love and a person I can grow old with, someone I can be happy alongside, who accepts me for who I am, while inspiring me to be better, and for whom I can do the same. Like finding the perfect wine pairing to whatever you are eating. It brings out the flavor of the dish and makes it that much better.

Here's to finding that special wine, but knowing that even without, you (and I) can still be one tasty dish!
Hannah Bee.

Prayerful reminders

Sometimes I am immobilized by fear and worry, and for this I feel ashamed and weak. What I need to remember and pray that I can put into practice is this:

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” 
(Deuteronomy 31:6)

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 
(2 Timothy 1:7)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:27)

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." (Psalm 62:1-2)

"Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you." (Isaiah 35:4)

Hoping others like me may be comforted by these same words that have also comforted so many for centuries. Courage dear hearts.

Hannah Bee

 

I miss mixtapes!

You know I don't think I've ever written the word mixtape before. Didn't even know it was one word. I always thought it was "mixed tapes", but Wikipedia had it as "mixtape", so mixtape it is, I guess. Anyway, a very nice friend sent me a song the other day that helped cheer me up and I began to think about times way back when I actually made mixtapes for friends and for myself for various occasions or just for drowning yourself in a particular mood and feeling. We all know the I-love-you-so-much-and-this-is-how-you'll-know mixtape, or maybe the My-soul-aches-for you-but-you'll-NEVER-know mixtape, and of course the best-friends-forever-soundtrack mixtape, but whatever the theme, they tend to be pretty powerful things. It's not a random set of music like they play on the radio. It's much more personal, like a diary entry. And getting one from someone else, WOW! That really meant something. Although it's technically easier these days to create digital playlists on an iPod or something and share them, I really miss the whole idea of the mixtape that you had to so carefully craft together on an actual cassette. It is sad that our children will have no idea what a mixtape even is.

So in the spirit of the mixtape, I decided to put together a compilation of songs that shares a bit of my journey. I am dedicating it to those out there that like me, have been through some difficult relationships and might need something to make them feel a little stronger. You can click to choose either a link to a Youtube video of the song or just the lyrics. I've found sometimes just reading the words alone is nice. Enjoy, and please share some of your own songs and stories too...


Rilo Kiley- I Never (song), (lyrics only)
Glen Hasard- Lies (song), (lyrics only)
Glen Hasard and Marketa Irglova- Once (song), (lyrics only)
Jenny Lewis- Happy (song live video), (lyrics only)
Christina Perri- Jar of Hearts (song video), (lyrics only), (with interpretive dance)
Mindy Smith- Come to Jesus (song video), (lyrics only)
Sara Evans- A Little Bit Stronger (song), (lyrics only)
Linda Ronstadt -You're No Good (song), (lyrics only)
Christina Aguilera- Beautiful (song with lyrics)
Jimmy Cliff- I Can See Clearly Now (song), (lyrics only)
Des'ree- You Gotta Be (song video), (lyrics only)
Natasha Bedingfield- Unwritten (song), (lyrics only)
Heather Small- Proud (song video), (lyrics only)


Courage, my dear ones! And peace be with you.
Hannah Bee

June 26th, 2011-
Thought I'd keep adding some songs to the mixtape list as I go along. Here's a couple I like these days.

Pink- Perfect (the clean version)- (song with lyrics)
Florence and the Machine- Dog Days Are Over- (song video), (lyrics only)

October 2nd, 2011-
Neil Hannon and Yann Tiersen- Les Jours Tristes (song with lyrics)

July 22, 2012-
Adele- Rolling in the Deep (song video)

A new year...

Hello readers! Hope you all survived the holidays. This time of year can be very difficult and lonely for many of us, especially if struggling with abuse or any other of life's hardships. All the more reason to think upon the good things, however small they may be or even if they are yet to come. Believe me, I know it's hard. I am currently trying with all my might not to get pulled down into the tornado of crap swirling around me.

So let's focus on the New Year, shall we? Ok. New Years is often about reflection of the past year and finding new ways to improve yourself or finally taking action on things you've been putting off. Its also about being thankful for the time and the experiences you've had in which you have learned and grown and generally having a fresh start. Many make New Year's Resolutions, vowing to change something in their lives. It's safe to say that I've pretty much done a little of all of that already this year. Certainly made many changes and taken many steps towards improving my and my daughter's life, being very grateful for the tiny blessings, many lessons, and wallowing in the growing pains. Though things are still tough, I am trying to remember that it could be worse and definitely has been worse.

Interestingly enough, I've never actually made a New Year's Resolution. Obviously not because I never thought there was anything for me to change or that I don't think it's a good idea. I guess I just never thought that New Years needed to be the day to do that. Change is hard enough. Making a special occasion for it kinda just adds more pressure especially if you find later that you're not following through. There's a line in one of my favorite childhood movies, Anne of Green Gables (also books, but I'm better at watching then reading), where Anne says, "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." I'd rather try and start each new day afresh and try to strive DAILY to be better.

But since it is New Years today, it is a good excuse to take a quick look-see at how I can be better tomorrow and in this coming year.

#1 Be a better mom
Be someone she can always look up to, can always turn to and will grow up being proud of. Teach by example, follow through, be more patient, pick my battles wisely, and remember to enjoy every minute instead of taking things so seriously.

#2 Be a better daughter
 Be kinder, more understanding, picking my battles, biting my tongue, and letting go.

#3 Be a better friend
Keeping in touch, being available, and giving back.

#4 Be an all together better me
Strive for more patience, be more considerate, remember the serenity prayer and worry less, Trust God more, let go, relax more, have more fun, make more art, and help more people. Don't beat myself up if I don't do it all just perfectly! And allow myself to dream always for a better tomorrow and know that it can and will happen.

Hope you all succeed in making your lives better this year too! Love. Think. Feel. Speak. Be free!

Hannah Bee