"Did he punch you in the face with a closed fist? Oh, come on! You're not an abused person. Stop lying to us and to yourself." Somebody from his family actually said that to me the day after a judge ruled in my favor issuing a restraining order against my husband and confirmed that in the eyes of the law, he had in fact committed domestic violence against me, both physical and emotional. What's sad is that the person who said this to me is not alone in his thinking on the subject and many people out there don't think that abuse is abuse unless the victim has been physically beaten with closed fists and in need of hospitalization. But hasn't it gone a bit too far by then? It's pretty safe to say couples usually don't get to that place overnight, and most abused people need help and should have a way out long before it ever gets to that point. Sadly many never do and some even suffer to the point of death because people around them, and they themselves do not recognize the signs of domestic violence until it's too late.
Let's think about this now. How much does a person have to show physical suffering or injury in order for others to believe she is being systematically broken down by her own husband? There's usually some very good reasons that outward signs are missing or appear missing. Shame, guilt, and fear are amongst these, preventing victims from reaching out, sharing about their abuse, and have them even lying to cover up and protect their abusers. That's what I did. Denial is also a large factor for not getting it even for the victim. It's easy to believe what you want to believe about a person, especially a person whom you love. So though it is incredibly painful to have his family not believe me, I don't entirely blame them. My hope though is to be able to educate others and help more people to see what emotional abuse is, that it is damaging, and often much more so than just physical abuse because of its deeper and longer lasting effects.
I'm a very visual learner and have been trying to think about a way to illustrate my experience of emotional and psychological abuse that can help people with no experience understand it. It's a very difficult thing and unless you've lived it, I don't know that you can truly grasp how horrible it was and is. You may have heard the term chinese water torture before. More people have probably heard about the much debated "waterboarding" in the news in recent years, another form of water torture where the person is made to feel like they are drowning. Well the practice of chinese water torture (which there is no evidence it was actually practiced by the Chinese) is basically where a person is restrained and forced to have water dripping on their forehead over a long period of time. It may not sound like much to some, I mean, they certainly are not being beaten or punched, and it doesn't even leave any marks right? But this practice is said to have driven it's prisoners literally insane. What really made it worse apparently was when the timing of the water dropping was varied so the victim didn't know when the next drop would come. That was what life was like in my marriage and relationship with my ex, and sometimes still is.
What's fascinating to me is that even after I left, it took me some time to sort through and see how far back those little drips started falling and how easy it was to mistaken them for harmless nothings, and then finally recognizing it for what it was. Near the end I did feel insane and frantic over the hollow that seemed to be forming on my head reaching down through my heart, and I was in constant fearful anticipation of when the next piercing drop would fall.
It could be as simple as the tone of voice, saying something really awful in a nice, calm way, ideas planted here and there meant to unsettle me, little lies and twists of the truth that made me doubt myself and my perceptions. Soon I was wondering which way was up because I was made to believe that I shouldn't trust my own instincts or senses even, and that perhaps I was crazy afterall. I am thankful that I had enough moments of clarity and help from others to see that I was in fact not crazy at all. Only when removed from his direct influence could I begin to regain my sanity and sense of real self again.
Close to a year later, I am still healing from the psychological wounds long after the bruises have gone, and it's still a struggle not to let those old lies take over. I wish I could go to that person that told me I wasn't abused and do like a mind meld or something to make them feel what it was like, or just to shake him and yell at him over and over "OPEN YOUR EYES," but I can't. I guess I am just glad that I was able to open my own eyes, and hopefully now a few of yours. Nobody deserves abuse of any kind, whether it leaves a visual mark or not. If you think you're being abused, please seek help. And if someone reaches out to you, the least you can do is believe them.
Hannah Bee
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