No, I am not drunk. But if I were, would you blame me? Been thinking about love a lot these days. Yes, the romantic kind. And it is February, and in less than a couple of weeks it's Valentine's Day. I also happened to attend a bridal shower today which was actually good. I was reminded of how amazing love can be when the right people come together. But it also made me wonder. Although I am thankful to have a few great examples of healthy and loving couples in my life right now, I wonder if I will ever have what some of my friends do. I remember once when I was a young teenager, someone asked me what I wanted most when I was all grown up. I said I wanted to have a happy marriage and family. One of my friends immediately told me that I was dreaming and that there's no such thing. I'm sure my response was like, "WHATEVER!"
I knew what she meant though. I wasn't exactly thinking that life would be all castles and ballgowns like in the fairy tales where the words "happily ever after" usually came before even the honeymoon began. I knew relationships took work, and knew plenty of people with divorced parents, but I wasn't about to give up on my dream. I knew it could happen. My parents were still married, and actually still are, and not just for the kids type a thing. They love each other and are good together and I think they are happy. So I figured I had a decent model to go by, so why shouldn't I have the same chance?
So I worked hard at it. When I liked a guy, I tried as best I could to be a good girlfriend, the type a guy might like to marry one day. Maybe I even tried too hard. In high school, the guys I liked or even loved never seemed to love me back, or at least not enough to want to stick around. And then one actually said I was the type of girl he would want to marry, but of course he wasn't anywhere near ready to do that and moved on to someone else that was just fun for the time being I guess. So life went on and I gave up on boys for awhile.
In college and after, more failed relationships. I just couldn't pick a good one, or was it that the wrong guys were picking me and I somehow was terrible at figuring that out until it was too late? And of course the one I actually ended up marrying being the worst of the bunch. What happened? One thing that I realize now that contributed to these unhealthy and failed relationships is that I often got so lost in them, like I needed to give up something of myself for the other. I found myself cutting a part of me off so I could make room for someone else to "complete me," instead of seeing myself as already whole first and finding another whole person to join and create something wonderful with. I'm picturing two broken pieces of something and no matter how hard you try, you're not gonna fit them together to make a perfect whole, at least not without a big crack in the center. But for some reason many of us, myself included just keep desperately trying, all the while more bits of ourselves crumble off. I know this isn't the best analogy, but I think you get my meaning.
So can happily ever after exist? Yeah, I think it can be possible. But not if we keep believing that magically another person can fill our voids, be the answer to our many problems, or make us happy if we aren't already. I still hope and pray one day I will find a true love and a person I can grow old with, someone I can be happy alongside, who accepts me for who I am, while inspiring me to be better, and for whom I can do the same. Like finding the perfect wine pairing to whatever you are eating. It brings out the flavor of the dish and makes it that much better.
Here's to finding that special wine, but knowing that even without, you (and I) can still be one tasty dish!
Hannah Bee.
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