all good things

Have you ever had something that you spent so much time trying to get someone to see or care about and they pretty much ignored you and it? But then as soon as you take that thing away or tell them they can't have it anymore, the same person starts crying and fighting for it..."MINE, MINE, MINE!" This scenario is pretty commonplace when you're dealing with a toddler like I do everyday, especially during mealtimes. What's really terrible is when the thing is the toddler, and the person fighting for it (quite dirtily, I might add) is a grown man.

This situation of mine often leaves me with a negative frame of mind, and has the power if I let it, to cast a shadow over everything. I've decided that the first thing to do in order for it not to do that, is to outright refuse to live that way. The next thing is figuring out how to do that, and constantly check myself so not to let my mind be led down those crazy rabbit trails. So what can I focus on and think about instead? Well one great passage in the Bible says, "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." What a novel idea, right? It's like the deeper version of Julie Andrews singing "My Favorite Things."

So, my daughter happens to be my most favorite true and lovely, excellent thing, and the reason why I left my abusive relationship in the first place. It's possible I might have just stayed and taken more if it was just me. Maybe not, but I definitely left for her. For my daughter's sake, I left. She is the greatest blessing that came out of such a mess. For her I'd endure any other hardship I needed to if it gave her a better life and a better chance. There have been days when I wondered if I made the right decision. But everyday I grow stronger and healthier again, and looking back I can't ever imagine willingly being in that place again, and am so glad that she won't have to grow up being exposed to what she was those first few months of her life.

It's interesting to think about some of the things I actually left behind and then some of the things that I am still working on shedding. However I look at it now, that place I left had once been my home. My husband was my family. His family had become my family. And I did love all of them. It was also what I had grown to know, what was familiar. We had a routine and I had found ways to get by and survive and some days it wasn't even so bad. Of the things I lost when I left,  I think mostly, I lost the dream and hope of things not as they were but as I wished them to be. It's weird because the disappointing loss of that possibility has been much more profound than the actual loss. Not because the actual loss was small, but that denial bubble that I once surrounded myself in is now popped, and what I see before me is not an easy road. Sometimes I miss stupid things like the big yard, or having that beautiful engagement ring on my finger, and yes, my clothes. And I wonder how and when I will ever be able to replace it all (not just the stuff, but the idea part of "it all"). But then I am reminded that I was able to escape with the one most cherished thing I have, my child. I pray everyday that I don't lose her in all this mess. And I don't mean the physical part of her, but the more important parts of all she is and all the potential that is in her.

Sometimes I still replay in my head over and over again some of the bad fights, conversations, etc. and I think about what I could've done or said, though I know it's useless and just ends up reminding me of the hurt. I'm sure one day, all of it will fade and hopefully some new beautiful growth can cover over or replace it. Until then I just have to keep my eye on the those good and wonderful things that keep me going. Thank you all who are reading this and all the people that will one day read this for inspiring me to do so.

Be free and peace be with you.
Hannah Bee