Trust your gut...and other sound advice

Since I started my last post talking about aliens, I thought I'd bring things back down to earth a bit by handing out some good ole fashion advice. I don't pretend to know all the answers or feel I am an expert by any means, but certainly I have had some experiences that I can speak from. I've had to learn many of my lessons the hard way, but perhaps from my pain I can help you or someone else you know avoid the same path. And perhaps me writing it down will also help myself to remember how to keep on doing the things I'm doing to stay healthy and well.

It seems like it would not be so easy to get sucked into lies that you are told over and over again, but unfortunately the contrary seems to be true. I find myself still getting drawn into so much drama and craziness. Even though I know that my ex is doing everything he can to get at me, mess with me, punish me, and even using our child to do so...I still catch myself making excuses for him (like maybe he doesn't really know what he's doing). That's nuts right? He knows exactly what he's doing! I had a conversation with my mom the other day about the many moments that I wish I could change and I tried to explain some of the choices I made and when and why I made them. When I think back on some of these moments, I still feel inwardly ashamed that I let myself dismiss so much. I know now that essentially I was being brain-washed into submission, but I always knew that things were not right. But I almost just didn't want to know. Ignorance is bliss right? Because if I didn't acknowledge it, then it wasn't real, and so then I didn't have to deal with it. And honestly I felt helpless and hopeless to fix it anyway. So then, it just became easier to be in denial and just pretend everything was ok even though it was far from, and I continued to suffer because of it.

Well, I am no longer in denial. I am fully aware of where I've been, where I am now and also where I'd like to be. I know that whatever has already happened is done. Whatever happens from NOW on is a different story. So before I get on to my actual advice, first let me say something about trust. It's something that once lost is hard to get back. When you realize you can't trust the one person who you are supposed to be able to trust and depend on the most, someone you've committed your life to, who says they love you, and are supposed to take care of you, it's hard to know what else or who else you can trust in life. So my first piece of advice is simply this. Just because you can't trust one thing in your life, doesn't mean that you can't trust anything at all. Here are some things you CAN and SHOULD trust, and if you have a hard time doing so, I hope and pray that you will learn. Remember, I am also talking to myself,

#1 TRUST YOUR GUT!
Think back on a moment where you know you didn't, and you get what I mean. One thing I firmly believe and have learned to be more attuned to, is the fact that we are each made with a built-in alarm system if you will, that warns us when something is wrong and we need to be on guard. "DANGER! DANGER!" Whether you call it a gut feeling, your instincts, or a woman's intuition, we all have had moments in our life when this system has gone off. Hearing it is usually not the problem, but it's whether we actually pay attention and heed the warning that's important. Like that car alarm that keeps going off in the middle of the night and eventually you just roll over, put the pillow over your head and try to forget about it. Don't!

#2 TRUST that there are people in your life who really know you, that believe in you and that you can turn to. Surround yourself with these good friends and family. One of these folks may help save your life. Yes, some people, even ones you thought would be there for you, will let you down. But there are so many more that will be there for you no matter what.

#3 TRUST who you are, and who you know yourself to be. This one might be one of the hardest, but DO NOT buy into the lies of others who are trying to deceive you in order to manipulate and control you.

#4 TRUST in goodness and in truth. Always look for the truth, and hold on to those things that you know to be real. This is very important. It may sound cheesy and cliche, but really....the TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!! It's hard sometimes because life is hard and you can't always see beyond the bend to the light at the end of the tunnel. But don't be afraid. A very dear friend of mine told me that everything will be fine as long as you "always stand on the side of right." Don't let anxiety and fear rule your life. It's not worth it!

#5 TRUST in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight. That's from the Bible. Proverbs 3:5-6 Take it or leave it, but it is comforting to me to know that someone up there is in control when I know I am not.

And  finally, TRUST that things will get better, because they will. Peace be with you.
Hannah Bee

**If you think you might be in an abusive relationship or know someone who you suspect is, please seek help. Look at my "Helpful Links" section above, to the right or Click here to check out info on types of abuse, signs of abuse to look for, and the cycle of violence. "Gaslight," a 1940 film starring Ingrid Bergman is a great film that depicts a woman slowly driven mad by her husband. It's a great film in and of itself, but is also very helpful in understanding psychological abuse. I actually saw this the first time at the women's shelter I stayed at and it really helped me to identify some of what was happening to me.

lessons from the Tralmalfadorians...

Ok, so what in the heck are Tralmalfadorians? It's from Kurt Vonnegut's book "Slaughterhouse-Five." It was required reading for me in the 10th grade. Honors English. And yes, public school. It's basically an anti-war book that also brings up ideas and topics that some may argue should not be taught in school, but that's a whole other blog. The story is told very interestingly enough through a character named Billy Pilgrim who gets unstuck in time, traveling to various moments in his life, as well as to a planet called Tralmalfadore, and learning many lessons along the way. I recently thought about this book because I was pondering the idea of control. What do I actually have control over? It doesn't seem like much these days. And that can be not only frustrating but also terrifying and even debilitating at times. So in the book, Billy Pilgrim comes across this prayer:                                                                                                                                                        

God grant me 

the Serenity to accept

the things I cannot change,

Courage

to change the things I can,

and Wisdom always 

to tell the 

Difference.

 

It's the Serenity Prayer. Some of you may know it. I probably heard it before reading "Slaughterhouse-Five," but for whatever reason, I often remember it through the reading of this book. I was looking through my old copy of it a few years back, flipping through the pages and suddenly felt embarrassed if anyone were to find it and see my notes and markings. I recently found it again and as I flipped through this time, I was not embarrassed anymore, but more astonished at how innocent, how idealistic, and wide-eyed a girl I once was. You see, I had crossed out all the bad language I found. All the "FUCK" and "SHIT," and in doing so, I think actually believed that somehow I was helping to remove some of all that in the world. It's kind of funny now to think about because there is no removing all the bad stuff in the world, and you rarely have control over a lot of what happens to you or to others. So it goes... But, and here is a big BUT, sometimes you do. So what do you do with that? And how do you know? That's the question, and that's my prayer.

If things were up to me, no one would hurt anybody else, and certainly never intentionally. No one would use their children as pawns to manipulate and control. Children would never get sick. No one would put you down, harass, or threaten you in order to make themselves feel better about themselves, and no one would experience things in their childhood or past that make them grow up feeling like there's no other way. If it were up to me, we'd all be free of self-doubt, lies, deceit, of resentment, and all the pain and suffering that comes with those. Oh, and mothers of adult children would learn to mind their own business (is that asking too much?) Well I guess the point is that it's not all up to me.

What is up to me is how I choose to deal with the Shit (sorry) that comes my way and to continue to do good and see good despite all the bad. That is my choice, or least that's what I'd like to choose everyday because it's not ever easy. Sometimes it's easier being stuck in the rot of self-pity and sucked into the lies that there's nothing else but that terrible place you are in right now. That's why I like the Tralmalfadorians. They unlike us earthlings, are not bound to time. They can see someone lying dead or in the depths of despair one moment, and all he thinks is that this person is in a bad condition that particular moment, but is just fine in plenty of other moments. Not that there isn't a place and a time to be sad or to mourn etc. but there's something wonderful in getting your mind unstuck in time.

I know that I can't cross out every bad word or deed in this world or even in my own life. But I can try to focus on the positive things and be thankful for the wonderful moments in my life, and look for the blessings. And I pray everyday to be courageous enough to take hold of the things I CAN change about the bad. Then maybe I can be a better friend, a better mother, a better daughter, a better person or someone else may even be better because of me. So that's my challenge to all you out there too. Take stock of your life, then say the Serenity Prayer and mean it. Don't be too hard on yourself when in moments you fail, and remember even in your darkest moments, that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Hannah Bee

my new set of heels

So last night I put on my new pair of high heeled shoes and went out...a night on the town as it were. So, big deal right? People do that every Saturday night. Well, not me. Especially not me in the last few years. It's kinda like that moment for new parents when they finally get that first night away from the baby, except I've been a mom already for a couple years and last night had nothing to do with romance and certainly not with reconnecting with my partner. I was reconnecting with ME.

Now let's go back to the heels for a moment, because there's more I have to say about that. Last week on Black Friday, my mom and I went out to check out the deals like many others did. We were looking for some new comfortable shoes for her when I got the urge to try on a bunch of heels. My very frugal and sometimes too practical mother says, "What do you need those for? You don't even wear heels!" I blurt out very passionately and probably louder than I needed to, "I miss my shoes! and so what, I want some heels..." (some of that response makes more sense if you realize that most of my personal belongings including clothes and shoes, I left behind when I left with my daughter to a DV shelter, and let's just say that I don't think I'll be getting any of that stuff back.) So, I would have loved it if my mom were to have said, "Of course honey, I totally get it." She didn't. But that didn't matter. It was more important that I got it. I realized something in that moment.

You see, my mom was right in a sense. I didn't need a new pair of heels, nor have I particularly been a heels type of gal. Not even before my ex, and during my relationship with him, I almost felt like I shouldn't wear them. He was not the tallest of guys and I am a not exactly short either. We even argued sometimes about exactly how tall I was. (who fights about that?) Anyway, suffice it to say for the longest time, I allowed someone else to make me to feel smaller, and less capable, and less intelligent, and all together less than I really was. So it didn't really matter if I actually needed them or had somewhere to wear those heels. I mean let's face it, I spend most of my time with a 2 year old. To me, buying those heels were my way of reclaiming myself and standing tall again.

In the last few months I have had the chance to relearn that I have worth. Not because anyone else thinks I do, or even because I think I do. I have worth because God gave me worth. He gave me life, and because of Him, I have a life worth living. You all out there have the same worth too. So I say go out and buy those heels! Put them on. Stand tall and celebrate!

Hannah Bee