So blogging...this is a very new venture for me. A friend of mine just started his own blog, and then a couple of nights ago, I re-watched the movie "Julie & Julia", and I thought... hey, why not. I always day-dreamed about being a writer, or somebody important that could affect others in some profound way. I don't know that this will do that, but maybe this can be my way of starting to give back and help others.
Unlike my friend's funny, man at the movies blog, or Julie Powell's one year journey with Julia Child's recipes, this blog starts with a pretty sad story and I have no planned course for it. Basically I am a survivor of domestic violence (DV). I lived through a 4 year relationship of abuse, denying what was going on at first partly because I myself was in the mental health field. I didn't want to admit to myself that I didn't recognize the signs early. I was ashamed that I let myself get to where things were. Ashamed that I had been lying for him, covering things up. Ashamed that I may have done something to contribute to the abuse. Then we got pregnant, and it got worse, and then we got married...yeah, I know, right....and it got worse and then eventually it got to a point where I couldn't deny it any further. But even then, it took another couple years to accept where I was and then to decide that I had to get out, and that it was actually the right thing to do to get out. See, I was raised a Christian with the belief that you don't divorce and you don't just up and leave. You're supposed to work it out. And it didn't help that I felt like a failure that I couldn't make it work. Well, he reminded me that I was a failure and how everything was my fault...if only I was better at this, or did that, or didn't do such and such. I was CRAZY and PARANOID and DELUSIONAL and nothing was ever enough. What was interesting was before I met him, and even in the beginning of the relationship, I was not crazy.... or paranoid or delusional or any of the other things he made me feel like I was later on. When I was with him, he really made me believe all of it. He was good at that. But whenever I was out of his presence, I was able to recover some semblance of sanity. I wanted to not be scared or anxious all the time. I knew at least that was not normal. And in the end I began to stand up for myself a bit more, started reaching out to friends and family, saying out loud the things I knew were real, and hearing from others the same messages of sanity, reminders of the strong, independent, and very capable person I used to be. With these angels that God sent me, my friends and family, I finally left my abuser several months ago with my baby girl, going to a shelter, getting a restraining order, the whole bit.
It was the hardest thing I ever did and probably will ever do. Life for me continues to be a struggle dealing with my ex, who because of my daughter is forever an unwanted part of my life, and he has chosen not to let me forget it. My hope though is that through my writing maybe there will be moments I can recall, or enlightening messages of hope that people reading this may glean from my experiences and take with them. As I am looking for peace, and strength and wisdom for myself, perhaps I can give something of that to somebody else. The title that I chose...FLYING FREE represents the feeling that I have now. Finally free and flying and eyes wide open after a long time of feeling trapped, caged with my wings clipped and bound, and being told that I was just imagining it all. I know life's struggles are not over, and DV is not something that you live through and just brush off. But I am getting better everyday, growing stronger and learning many lessons. I do not feel bitter. Angry sometimes. Frustrated sometimes. Sad and lonely sometimes. But I am so thankful for the love that I have in my life. God's love. My daughter's love. All the wonderful friends who support me, encourage me, and pray for me.
I was thinking about some cool way to sign off on all my posts. Some sort of catchy phrase or something, but I think I will leave you with simply this. God is good. Be free. Love.
Hannah Bee
